Sincerity and self conviction

Having a list of at least ten posts that I want to write (most of which are film reviews), I sit here surprisingly lost for words. Perhaps this is because it is Friday evening and what I don’t want to be doing at seven minutes to ten is working. I’ve been fortunate enough to consider this random blogging as a leisurely pursuit, even though I set it up to get into a regular habit of writing. Last week, I leapt out of bed simply because I had spent thirty minutes the night before writing a blog, and by implication, doing something for myself.

My application arrived by the deadline, so now I am in a state of anticipation, waiting to find out if I have been shortlisted. Though I was initially excited when I saw the advert, then somewhat incredulous that I actually met the person spec, and subsequently pleased with the review I made of my progress, I am now feeling a bit dejected. I don’t think the application was as good as it could have been, but admittedly I didn’t have much time to write it. I beefed the application up with some examples of work, but think I made a few mistakes with the selection, and now I feel a bit silly. I often associate this lack of confidence with situations where one has to prove oneself, and (dare I say it) compete with others.

I have a tendency to always think I could do better, which is very useful in lots of situations, but is also problematic. Poor Alex has had to learn strategies of coping with my general lack of satisfaction, and whilst he doesn’t remove the problem, he is very good at helping me to relax and forget (for a while) that everything is not as I would have it in an ideal world. In an ideal world, I would have continued learning languages to A Level and beyond, I would have subscribed to LRB earlier so that I might have been young enough to enter their young reviewers competition… But I digress.

I’ve been thinking idly about what I read sometime in the last six months in the Guardian’s work pages (or whatever they’re called). Basically, the idea was that one must be careful about the information they make publicly available, as prospective employers can find things out about you that might not make you appear very appealing. The face we project in the digital world may not always be an accurate reflection of our behaviour, character and propensities in the ‘real’ world. This is a much more complicated enquiry than it is possible to do justice to late on a Friday after another hideously busy week, having consumed a glass and a half of wonderfully citrussy Pinot Grigio. But my point is that I half wondered if my prospective employer might find my blog and make some judgements about me from it, and I wondered if this would be problematic. In truth, I know that unedited ramblings and random comments are certainly not my best writing, nor does the frequency with which I blog reflect particularly positively on me. Nevertheless, the writing and the blog is sincere, and sincerity is something that is of crucial importance to me. If there is one thing that I am satisfied with, it is that I always try to be good: to be honest and to be kind. Whether other people realise this or not is of no consequence, because they can never know the truth of the matter.

A discussion of solipsism (my teenage fascination) would follow this thread, but I’m too old and (unfortunately) too cynical to think I’m the only person in the world.

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