Thinking out loud

It’s odd how I have come to use this blog as a way of thinking out loud – I don’t really have anything interesting to say to other people, but I have a lot noodling around in my brain that turns very easily into a grey and confused slop and leaves me feeling fed up and cynical.

At the moment, I’m vaguely unhappy with my actual job and very unhappy at my lack of profession or trade. I’m impatient to be considered good at something and to have something in particular to focus my energy on. I’m half looking for another job*, but deep down I know that finding a new job will only temporarily shake me out of this rut – I’ll concentrate my energy on getting to know a new employer, new systems, new approaches, but ultimately, becoming familiar with something is not the best direction for energy, as things can’t remain new indefinitely.

It’s the age old problem: I don’t have the necessary experience to take on something more exciting and challenging, and I can’t get the experience unless I’m willing to impoverish myself beyond belief. I’m tucked into a number of voluntary roles alongside working full time, and I’m not even convinced that any of my voluntary work really improves my chances of getting ‘the dream job’ (I must ask Carla in the morning if my CV benefitted from the voluntary work, or if it’s a given in the sector we work in).

Then there’s the geriatric problem of not being sure of what I want to do. I’m reasonably sure of the kind of activities I enjoy, but patching that together into a job is bloody difficult, to say nothing about whether the job actually exists. I feel in many ways that I’ve ‘done some time’ with my current employer – that I’ve made an investment in the company. I’m more likely at the moment to be able to fashion myself a niche where I am than to find a niche elsewhere. However, we currently work to funding, which effectively stamps out most of the potential for carving a niche, no matter how highly my employer thinks of me. And whilst ever we are continuing to work flat out, there is no time to devise a sustainable working practice, or to identify a goal and then work towards it. I don’t look up at the moment because I think all I’ll see is an ocean of work with no coastline in sight, and I’ll miss the important things that will have a detrimental effect on the projects.

The ironic thing is that finding the right job is a job in itself, and one that I’m not sure I’m qualified or experienced enough to do well!

* The job at Axis is different – it fell into my lap and I thought it was perfect: something that I could really do well and sink my teeth into; something that required more than the sum of my experience and skills. Needless to say, I’m pretty sure that I haven’t even been shortlisted, and this has caused at least part of my current negativity.


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